At the heart of every meaningful relationship lies a powerful human need: to feel desired—to know someone chooses you, saying, “It is you I want to be with.” Whether it’s the spark of romantic attraction, the warmth of emotional validation, or the thrill of being truly seen, feeling desired fuels our self-esteem, deepens relationships, and enriches our emotional wellness. In our 60s and 70s, this desire—the longing to be intentionally wanted for who you are, shaped by years of shared life, must not become an unspoken assumption in a relationship. Instead, that need to know that someone delights in our presence, cherishes us and sees our value must be strengthened, becoming a cornerstone of emotional wellness. While, in youth, the spark of desire may have been born of sexual attraction and emotional need, with age, it now blooms from the deep bond of living together through time’s joys and challenges. While physical expressions of intimacy may fade with age, the need to feel loved intensifies, calling for new, heartfelt ways to express and receive this validation
Why Feeling Desired Matters More with Age
Feeling desired—through a partner’s knowing glance, a friend’s heartfelt words, or your own self-affirmation—means being chosen for your unique presence, a validation that fuels emotional health and deepens bonds. In our 60s and 70s, as physical expressions subside, this need to be wanted intensifies, according to a 2019 Gerontology study. Life’s changes—retirement, health shifts, loss, or just simple routine can make us question our place in others’ hearts, amplifying our craving to hear, “I choose you.” Whether it’s a partner reaffirming years of shared memories or a friend valuing your presence, this desire rekindles the spark of connection, fostering joy and resilience.
One significant change comes with 25, 30, 50 years of marriage or more: in that time, we know that we have been seen naked. By “naked” is not meant “unclothed” but uncovered by our unique abilities as humans to hide ourselves from others. No matter how good we are at covering up, our partner has seen each and every scar and wart, every imperfection or flaw. Knowing that we are desired when we have only been known for the best version of ourselves is very different from being desired after all our imperfections are known. For this reason, if for no other, we must be reminded that we can be loved even with the flaws for which we cannot even love ourselves.
This longing is universal, shared by men and women alike. While we may express or seek desire in varied ways, the core need to be chosen binds us as humans. In later life, this desire evolves from its early, partly physical roots into a deeper wish to be wanted for the life you’ve built together. Yet, routine, unspoken needs, or societal views that downplay connection in aging can dim this spark, making it vital to rediscover desire in new, meaningful ways.
Misunderstanding the Male and Female Language of Desire
One of the major confusions in longer term relationships is the one that comes with not recognizing the transition in “love language” in oneself and in one’s partner. The woman complains: “all you think about is sex.” The man complains “All you care about is the kids, grandkids and your romance novels”. Both know there is truth in what is being said and also that something important is being missed.
Clearly, men think about sex---often. But what both partners fail to understand is that, over time, sex has developed additional meaning. In the past, when men pursued sex, it was 80% about physical connection and 20% emotional connection. Without realizing the changes in his own testosterone and estrogen levels as he ages, his interest in sex becomes more a desire for emotional connection and his thinking about sex is a representation of that need for connection. But how is a man to know that when his whole life has been built around suppressing his emotional need and getting it fulfilled, on the sneak, during sexual activity. And if the man is unaware of that need and fails to express it, what chance does a woman have of understanding those feelings in him? In the meantime, her comment that all he thinks about is sex is communicated to him as an absence of emotional desire for him, she does not understand that his pursuit of sex is actually a pursuit of an expression of her desire for him.
Clearly, women think about emotional relationships far more than most men. And for women, sex has always been primarily about emotional connection. And as her hormones change and her estrogen levels diminish, the physical aspects of sex also diminish. Consequently, without the sexual connection, with her significant decrease in estrogen creating a relative increase in testosterone, with his ignorance of his emotional need for connection, the post-menopausal woman can feel isolated and lonely. She returns to the one place she has experienced connection…nurturing family and children. Combine this with the psychological effects associated with the relative increase in testosterone, increases in assertiveness, confidence and the attendant greater sense of separateness and she, without him, is left with grandchildren and romance novels to fulfill her need for connection. Meanwhile, he is left wondering whether she needs to be with him or desires him at all, not understanding that her desire to connect with her children and grandchildren is an expression of her loneliness and need for connection with him.
The lack of understanding of how age changes our emotional needs, how we understand what those needs are, how we misunderstand what our behaviors really mean in ourselves and to each other and how those misunderstandings result in estrangement all reflect on how important it is to rediscover a common language to help us bridge the gap and reconnect with each other,
The Brain’s Daydreaming Network: Your Ally in Reigniting the Spark
Daydreaming isn’t just a fleeting thought—it’s a brain-powered tool for self-understanding, driven by the Default Mode Network (DMN). This network activates when your mind wanders, helping you reflect, imagine, and process emotions, according to a 2018 Nature Reviews Neuroscience study. Picturing a moment where you felt connected—like a partner’s reaffirming words or a shared memory of being wanted—engages the DMN, sparking joy and self-worth through dopamine release.
In later life, the DMN may weaken due to aging or emotional challenges like loneliness, reducing spontaneous daydreaming, per a 2017 NeuroImage study. However, daydreaming and emotionally rich activities and sharing meaningful moments can keep the DMN vibrant, sustaining your sense of being desired and desirable. Unlike external stories, daydreaming is deeply personal, letting you craft visions of being valued that reflect your unique journey, making it a powerful tool.
Daydreaming involves memory, imagination and changes in brain rhythm among other things. The temptation is to assign daydreams to the realm of the unreal but while the imagined events or memories may not be real in the moment, the associated feelings are real and are actually happening. Consequently, daydreams are an excellent method for helping a person understand what it is they want and need and how to talk about it with a spouse or significant other. Daydreaming offers a bridge to reawaken desire, inspiring gestures that affirm, “It is you I choose,” rooted in years of togetherness
Practical Tips to Nurture Feeling Desired in Your Life and Relationships
You don’t need grand gestures to feel desired or show someone you choose them: small, heartfelt actions, inspired by daydreams, can reignite this emotional spark. Here are science-backed tips for everyone in their 60s and 70s to cultivate this universal need through daydreaming, DMN engagement, and new ways to express desire.
Daydream About Being Chosen
Set aside 5–10 minutes daily for a “daydream break” in a calm setting (e.g., sitting quietly, walking in nature). Imagine a moment where you feel deeply desired—perhaps a partner saying, “I’d choose you all over again,” a loved one valuing your presence, or a memory of being wanted. This boosts DMN activity, lifts mood, and clarifies what makes you feel chosen, per a 2014 Science study.Example: Picture a moment where someone reaffirms their choice to be with you, like a shared laugh over a decades-old memory.
Tip: Write down one detail from your daydream to inspire a real-life gesture, like sharing that memory with someone.
Find Inspiration in Stories of Connection
Reading novels, memoirs, or watching films about enduring bonds can stimulate the DMN, sparking feelings of being wanted, per a 2016 Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience study. Choose stories with mature themes—lifelong partnerships, renewed friendships, or family ties—to reflect your life stage. Reflect: How did the story make you feel chosen?Example: Read a story about a couple reaffirming their bond, then daydream about a similar moment in your life.
Tip: Share the story with a partner or friend to spark a conversation about what “being chosen” means to you.
Show Desire Through Heartfelt Gestures
Express your choice to be with someone through simple acts that say, “It’s you I want.” A 2016 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study found that thoughtful gestures boost mutual feelings of being valued, especially in later life.Example: Write a note saying, “I’d choose you every day,” or thank a loved one for a specific moment they made you feel special.
Tip: Draw from a daydreamed moment (e.g., a reaffirming exchange) to make your gesture personal and rooted in your shared history.
Create Shared Moments That Affirm Choice
Plan intentional experiences that reaffirm your desire to be together, like revisiting a meaningful place or creating new memories (e.g., cooking a nostalgic meal, attending a local event). A 2018 Couple and Family Psychology study showed that shared moments make everyone feel chosen.Example: Share an evening recalling the moment you chose each other or plan a simple outing to celebrate your bond.
Tip: Before the activity, daydream about how it’ll reaffirm your connection to set a warm, intentional tone.
Talk Openly About Feeling Desired
Share what makes you feel wanted, encouraging others to do the same. Whether with a partner, friend, or family member, open conversations about being chosen strengthen bonds, per a 2016 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study.Example: Say, “I feel so connected when you share our old stories.
Tip: Start with a relaxed moment, like over tea, to make discussing this need feel natural.
Balance Daydreaming with Real-Life Desire
Daydreaming and stories boost DMN activity and emotional wellness, but over-relying on fantasy can disconnect you from reality. A 2017 Psychological Science study noted that spontaneous daydreaming fosters personal reflection, so balance it with real-life actions. Reserve quiet time for your mind to wander, and act on inspired feelings to feel desired.
A Note for Older Adults
In your 60s and 70s, the desire to be chosen—“It is you I want to be with”—grows as life’s changes highlight the power of emotional connection. Daydreaming about being wanted, whether by a partner, friend, or yourself, keeps your DMN active, counteracting age-related declines, per a 2018 Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience study. Stories of enduring bonds can inspire feelings of being valued, while simple acts—like a heartfelt note or shared memory—bring desire to life. Single or widowed? Daydream about self-worth or community ties and seek affirming connections. This is your time to reawaken the spark of being chosen, rooted in the years you’ve shared.
Take the Challenge
This week, nurture your need to feel desired:
Spend 10 minutes daydreaming about a moment where you feel deeply chosen. What makes it special?
Read a story or watch a film about lasting connection and note how it makes you feel wanted.
Share a small gesture that says, “I choose you”—a kind word, a thoughtful act—with a partner or loved one.
Reflect: What makes you feel desired? Journal or share with someone you trust.
Final Thoughts
Feeling desired—“It is you I want to be with”—is a universal human need, especially as we age together. Daydreaming, powered by your brain’s DMN, lets you imagine being chosen, inspiring new ways to give and receive this vital emotion. Through quiet moments, meaningful stories, and heartfelt gestures, you can reawaken the spark of desire, weaving connection into your life and relationships. Embrace your longing to be wanted—it’s not just a dream; it’s a path to a more vibrant, chosen you.
