If I Am Not For Myself, Who Will be For Me;
If I Am Only For Myself, Who Am I?
If Not Now, When?
Rabbi Hillel the Elder in the First Century A.D.
RESPONSIBILITY
Taking responsibility is often seen as a straightforward virtue, yet in practice, it can be a psychological mine field.
Many individuals find themselves entangled in a web of expectations, where distinguishing between expectations of oneself and expectations of others becomes increasingly challenging, leading to confusion about where one's true obligations lie and making the path to genuine responsibility fraught with emotional and psychological hurdles. Differentiating between choosing to help others and feeling obligated to help others is not easy. Consequently, sorting it all out requires self-awareness and a deep understanding of the broader context in which one's choices are embedded.
The quote from Hillel above is well over 2000 years old, indicating that this is a problem that humans have struggled with forever. It tells us that it is a human problem, from ancient times to today, to struggle daily with the balance between what one does for oneself and what one does for and can expect from others. We get reminded of the need to prioritize self and others every time we board an airplane. “First place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth BEFORE attempting to help others.” Notice that the instruction is not to just help yourself but also to help others. But, in this context, the airline has attempted to take doubt and confusion out of the choice. FIRST, take responsibility for yourself. If you do not, you may pass out and be unable to help others. If only the choice were that simple in the rest of life.
As a rule, taking responsibility for yourself is probably an excellent idea. To the extent that you take care of yourself, you will be in a better position to be the one offering help to others rather than the one needing help from others. Much as we might try to prevent it, there will be times when we will need help from family, friends and neighbors. We know this inherently about ourselves and our empathy and understanding makes us aware that others will be in the same boat. This sense of responsibility for self and others is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it fosters compassionate and considerate interactions, deeper connections, and a sense of community. On the other hand, it can lead to a sense of obligation, resentment, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion (burnout) when taken to the extreme.
What are some of the cognitive and emotional pitfalls people fall into when trying to balance responsibility for self and responsibility for others. Here are a few:
1. Taking care of vs caring about:Taking care of people requires taking the responsibility of doing something for them they cannot do for themselves. Caring about people requires empathy and responsivity rather than responsibility. Too often people try to DO something because they don’t know any other way to respond. When people require responsivity and do not need someone to do something, it is not generally useful and can, in fact, be disabling. You have often heard people say: “I don’t need you to tell me what to do; I just need you to listen and understand.”
2. Compassion, Empathy, Sympathy, Pity: Knowing how to respond to people’s feelings requires knowing what you yourself are feeling. With clarity comes better understanding of how responsive or responsible one might be. When people are unclear about these distinctions it can lead to a great deal of confusion in the relationship. For example, some people take any kind of response to their emotions to be pity and never experience human support. Some people think of any kind of pain as long term and enduring and commit to long term support that can result in codependency (see below) or disempowering the other. Knowing that there are several ways one can respond to others and being clear as to which one you are feeling can help differentiate your response and responsibility
a) Compassion: A deep form of connection where one understands and feels what the other is feeling, usually pain or suffering, and one feels a desire to extend a longer-term commitment to help or support. Compassion is a more sustained response, recognizing suffering and wanting to alleviate it but it also respecting autonomy and seeking to support or empower rather than assume responsibility for their circumstances. Compassion is the natural response to the realization of pain in another.
b) Empathy: deeply understanding and feeling another’s current emotional state, recognizing that it is situational and, unlike suffering, not enduring. Empathy is a more in-the-moment response than compassion and does not always lead to any enduring action other than being responsive. Empathy recognizes that it is within the abilities of the other to manage their current circumstances and emotional reaction.
c) Sympathy: a more distant form of support with less emotional connection. It’s more about acknowledging that the context and circumstances typically result in certain feelings, but the sympathetic person is not necessarily emotionally connected to the other. Sympathy says: “I understand how you are feeling because I would likely feel the same way under similar circumstances.”
d) Pity: A sense of sorrow for someone else’s misfortune but often seen as detached. It doesn’t necessarily involve an emotional connection or a response to help. Pity often attributes the other person’s difficulties to their own actions and is often tinged with a sense of “I’m glad that’s not me.”
3. Responsibility and Control: People cannot be held responsible for what they cannot control. That’s as close to a psychological law as we can get. Despite a current cultural climate in which people are being taught that others are responsible for their feelings, nothing could be further from the psychological truth. Each person is alone responsible for what they feel, say and do. However, they are not responsible for any other person’s emotional reaction. If we could “cause” other people’s feelings, as a species, we would certainly have long ago discovered the magic words that would have everybody feeling wonderful. The truth is that we can offer love, concern, support, and guidance which may have some measure of influence, but we cannot control how someone will respond to those efforts.
There is no doubt, however, that if human beings are confused about anything, it is this sense of responsibility for other’s feelings. From “You made me love you” to “Your opinion ‘triggers’ me” to “You hurt my feelings” this blaming of others for one’s own emotional response is epidemic. It is a two-fold problem of blaming (making others responsible for) and the failure to take responsibility for one’s own feelings and reactions. It is based on the premise that people cannot change the way they respond to the world because (here it comes again) their parents and their environment made them that way. There is truth to the fact that, as children, we learn certain patterns of behavior. But, as adults, we can become aware of those patterns, and we alone are responsible for how we now react. By not taking responsibility for our own feelings and blaming others for our reactions, we give up an amazing amount of psychological power to make our lives better.
4. Codependency: Codependent individuals often derive their self-worth from helping others and the approval from those being helped. They may feel responsible for the emotions and actions of those around them because they believe that if they are the cause of the other’s feelings, then they can change their own behavior to “fix” the other’s feelings. They are likely to feel anxious and guilty when not taking care of the needs of another person. To not do so makes them feel unworthy of love and like a bad person. This can lead them to take on responsibilities that rightfully belong to others, to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. The children of narcissistic parents typically learn this pattern.
5. Boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial. While it's important to be supportive, it's equally vital to recognize that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own feelings and reactions. While it can be a choice to respond to the needs of others, it is not an obligation. Learning to say “no” without guilt involves learning to balance empathy for others with care for oneself and with recognizing the limits of your influence over other’s emotional states. Consistently prioritizing others' emotional needs over your own can lead to burnout, characterized by fatigue, stress, resentment, and a sense of being overwhelmed. On the other hand, never responding to others’ needs can leave one feeling detached and devoid of meaning. It is, indeed, a balancing act.
6. The One-Sided Contract: People in a relationship make all kinds of assumptions about the nature of the relationship. At times, those assumptions are so different that it is as if one person has signed on to an agreement that the other person has not. If one of those assumptions is that love means meeting each other’s needs, then one person might take on the obligation of fulfilling all the needs of the other while the other, not sharing that assumption about love, does not. Open and honest communication about feelings and expectations can help mitigate those misunderstandings. Unfortunately, many couples do not get around to talking about their expectations of each other until one or both are angry, hurt and resentful. Each then blames the other for the “problem” they perceive the other as having. People have a great deal of difficulty acknowledging vulnerability in the face of someone who seems not to share a similar need. Neither wants to admit that they signed a one-sided contract.
7. Projection and Anxiety: Some people are made anxious whenever people express feelings of helplessness. They rush to “fix” the other person’s helpless feelings while also eliminating their own anxiety in the face of it. Often people project onto the other person their own belief that when anyone feels helpless in some way, someone should be responsible for helping them. For such people, doing something is better than doing nothing. They do not seem to be aware that just doing something, when that something is not effective, can be worse than doing nothing. In their anxiety, they fail to consider whether they are treading on the person’s autonomy. By fixing things for them they are depriving them of the opportunity to learn to solve their own dilemmas. They are also confirming that there is something frightening about feeling helpless. They might unintentionally be teaching the person that people should never feel helpless when the reality is that there are many times when, on a temporary basis, people often do. Taken together, the unintentional consequences of precipitously assuming responsibility for “fixing” someone’s sense of helplessness is called “disabling”.
8. External Factors: Sometimes, external factors like societal norms, family dynamics, or work cultures can impose a sense of responsibility for uncontrollable elements. Navigating these pressures requires clarity about what you can realistically manage.
It is generally unhealthy for people to take responsibility for the feelings of others because they cannot control those feelings. Cultivating a healthy perspective involves distinguishing between what you can control and what you can't, then focusing your energy on the former. One must learn to accept that you and the other are separate individuals, both of whom must be considered and cared for. One must learn that saying “no” and establishing boundaries is not selfish. One must learn that helping is a choice and not an obligation. This approach can reduce unnecessary stress and resentment while promoting well-being and more fulfilling relationships.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF DOESN’T MEAN ME FIRST
IT MEANS ME TOO
L.R. KNOST
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS THE MOST POWERFUL WAY
TO BEGIN TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS
BRYANT MCGILL
