The following presentation on Loneliness was written in response to a comment from an “In The Zone” reader. Due to certain family responsibilities, the article was written piece-meal, a paragraph at a time over the course of two weeks. It is long. You may find it difficult. But I believe that if you read it slowly and digest it’s contents, you will understand yourself and other people in a different way. Please do not hesitate to direct questions or comments you may have to golfnpsych@gmail.com
UNDERSTANDING LONELINESS
We have all read that loneliness has a profound, negative effect on both physical and emotional health. Its impacts are wide ranging and become serious if experienced over prolonged periods. Research has shown that loneliness can be as harmful to physical health as smoking or obesity. And, in fact, some research shows that both smoking and obesity themselves may be grounded in underlying loneliness. As a practicing therapist for 35 years, I can assert that nearly every patient I saw experienced significant levels of loneliness as part of their emotional life. The same is true for marital and other intra-family difficulties.
Most people assume they know what loneliness is, that they know when they are experiencing loneliness, and that they know what the solution to loneliness is. Here is a typical description of loneliness:
“Loneliness is a complex and deeply personal emotion, often characterized by a sense of isolation or disconnection from others. It doesn't always stem from being physically alone but can arise even in marriages and social settings. It can be an emotional state where one craves meaningful connection but feels unable to achieve it, leading to feelings of sadness, emptiness, or longing. Loneliness can be temporary, triggered by a specific event or change, or it can be chronic, affecting one's mental and emotional well-being over time.”
So, there you have it. Now you know what loneliness is. However, it is estimated that 60-70% of people see loneliness as a temporary state that is the result of a lack of connection and the solution is t0 reach out to friends or immerse oneself in some activity. Another 10-20% do not even recognize their feelings of loneliness or misinterpret them (f0r example, loneliness is often experienced as a feeling in the pit of one’s stomach, a yearning that is often confused with hunger.) Most people tend to keep themselves occupied with distractions so they can avoid the quiet time or alone time necessary to recognize their feelings, including loneliness.
Loneliness is not as simple a feeling as most people believe. It is, in fact, quite a complex emotion, grounded in our very nature as human beings. And to resolve feelings of loneliness is not as simple as surrounding oneself with other people, or one special person.
Here are some questions we hope to answer in this article:
1. What is loneliness, really?
2. Is loneliness a temporary or more chronic condition?
3. How or why do are people able to feel lonely even in a crowd or living in a relationship?
4. If connection is the solution to the feeling of being disconnected or lonely, then what exactly is it that is connected or disconnected?
5. What is required to end disconnection and connect with others?
WHAT IS LONELINESS, REALLY?
As far as we can tell, human beings are the only creatures that are not only conscious but also conscious of being conscious. Infants and toddlers exist in a state called pre-reflective consciousness, fully absorbed in the moment with only a rudimentary awareness of themselves. Only gradually, over the course of its first 5-7 years, does the developing child becomes self-aware. Becoming self-aware allows for the awareness of being separate from others and also creates a consciousness of self that is separate from our own pre-reflective direct experience. We become capable of making objects of ourselves as we become increasingly aware of our own behavior, emotions and desires and we become increasingly aware of the reactions people have to us. For all of us, as we emerge into self-awareness, known as the reflective state, there remains a vague felt-memory of that time when we were not separated from others and ourselves. While we may long for a deep connection to ourselves and others, in the reflective state we remain aware of our separation and that no one can fully share our subjective experience.
When one is aware of oneself, there seems to be a division between the self and the awareness of self. The "self" refers to the subject who experiences thoughts, emotions, and sensations, while the "awareness of self" refers to the reflective act of observing or recognizing oneself as the subject. Pre-reflective consciousness is the immediate, lived experience of being a self without stepping back and observing oneself. Pre-reflection is the "I" in the flow of living. Reflective consciousness, on the other hand, is when you step back and become aware of yourself as an object of thought—essentially, the self becomes both the observer and the observed. In reflective self-consciousness, the mind splits itself into two roles:
1. The subject: the "I" who thinks, acts, and feels.
2. The object: the "self" that is being observed, analyzed, or reflected upon.
The capacity for reflection turns oneself and others into objects rather than subjects. It creates a distance within oneself and between oneself and others. When we are with others and they with us, we can be with each other EITHER as subjects or as objects. In the reflective mode, the direct, subjective experience of ourselves and others is prevented, and “connection” cannot be experienced. In short, loneliness is a core (existential) experience linked to the very nature of being a self-aware creature. Most people take these two ways of being in the world for granted, paying attention only to their feelings and failing to recognize the contribution of the state of consciousness to their experience of the world.
IS LONELINESS A TEMPORARY OR CHRONIC CONDITION?
The answer to this question depends upon whether one’s existence in the reflective state is temporary or chronic. Adults are capable of moving between the pre-reflective and reflective states. But the pre-reflective state is more open and experiences are more immediate, so things that hurt or are frightening, hurt or scare us more than when we are in the reflective state. Consider the child who is immersed in activity and unaware of what he is doing. Suddenly, he gets yelled at loudly because, though he doesn’t realize it, he has wandered into the street and a frightened parent is yelling. The yell frightens him more because it was directly experienced in the pre-reflective mode. He immediately steps back from himself and becomes aware of himself as an object in his surroundings. He looks at himself to see what it is that he is doing that has caused others to yell. That sudden transition from not being aware of ourselves to becoming self-aware is associated with the realization that, in the moment before the yell, he was unaware of himself and his surroundings. To avoid that powerfully negative experience, people tend to put themselves behind the protective “wall” of reflective consciousness. And sometimes, people get stuck behind that wall, forgetting how to get back to the pre-reflective state. By always being self-aware, we create a safety zone within that protects our more vulnerable subjective self from fear and pain. But, if we never get out from behind that protective wall, we feel the pain of disconnection we call loneliness.
LONELY IN A CROWD?
Feeling lonely in a crowd or a relationship often stems from a lack of meaningful connection or emotional resonance. In a crowd, even though you're surrounded by others, there may be no personal interaction or shared experience, leading to a sense of isolation. Similarly, in a relationship, if emotional need for connection is not being met (such as feeling understood, truly seen, being met on a subjective level) people can still feel alone despite being physically close to someone. Loneliness in these situations is usually more about the quality of the connections rather than the quantity. It’s possible to feel disconnected when communication is superficial, transactional, or objectified. At a cocktail party, if one does not expect connection, one does not feel the lack there0f that we call loneliness. If on the other hand, one is looking for connection, being more open in hopes if connection, the feeling of loneliness can be acute and painful.
Just as being with people does not necessarily preclude loneliness, being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. Human beings have a need to be in both pre-reflective and reflective modes of consciousness just as they have a need to both inhale and exhale. To do one to the exclusion of the other does not allow the person to thrive. When people are over-stimulated, they often crave some time alone, away from other people. Seeking solitude, craving a place or activity to simply “zone out”, is a natural reaction to social over-stimulation. And “zoning out” means nothing more than moving into the pre-reflective state. Too much pre-reflective time, however, can lead to boredom and the need for reflective time and activity. And so, ideally, one has the capacity and opportunity to move back and forth between reflective and pre-reflective states.
WHAT IS CONNECTION AND DISCONNECTION
Fundamentally, connection is pre-reflective experience, while disconnection occurs as a reflective experience. More specifically, human connection often arises in a pre-reflective state where is felt before it’s thought about. When people feel connected, it's often a visceral, automatic sense of being attuned to one another. For example, you might feel comfortable with a friend without consciously thinking, “I am connected to them”. The connection exists in the background of awareness. When you laugh at the same moment, mirror each other’s movements, or feel understood through a simple look, this is connection operating on a pre-reflective level. The connection is immediate and unexamined. In moments of true connection, interactions feel fluid and effortless. You are "in sync" with others in a way that doesn’t require stepping back to reflect on the interaction. You’re just “in it’, experiencing rather than analyzing. In this sense, connection is something that emerges naturally and is lived through, often without the need for reflective consciousness. It's an implicit sense of “being-with” others.
In contrast, disconnection becomes evident in reflective consciousness, where we step back and become aware of ourselves, our need for connection and the lack of connection. Disconnection typically involves noticing feelings of loneliness, emotional distance, or simply that “something is missing”. People rarely recognize that what they are experiencing is a need for pre-reflective consciousness or, at the very least, some relief from reflective consciousness. Because they don’t understand the true nature of what they need, when people feel disconnected, they look for something to fix it. Most people fail to realize that the source lies within, in their nature as self-aware creatures. They experience that something is “missing”. They sense that what they yearn for will give them a sense of wholeness and completion. So they try to find what is missing. But what is missing cannot be found as long as one is “trying” to find it using what we always use to solve problems: self-awareness. The more we look for it “out there” in that world of objects, the less likely we are to find it. People search in all the wrong places: romance, food, sex, drugs, alcohol…almost anything that gives them an experience that temporarily dissolves that sense of separation. They are like the person who, in the dark, lost their keys in the bushes but searches for them under the lamp post because there is more light over there.
What is needed to end disconnection is not a person, place, or thing. What it takes is nothing more and nothing less than a change of mind. It takes moving from a reflective state to pre-reflective state.
Pre-reflection dissolves the sense of divided consciousness by fully absorbing one in the awareness of the other. For the purposes of this discussion, “the other” does not necessarily mean another person. It can also mean be a symphony, a sunset, a story; anything that captures your full attention. Rather than reflecting on one’s own thoughts, feelings, or separateness, one becomes immersed in the experience of the other. This absorption can create a sense of unity, where the typical self-awareness that divides consciousness may temporarily dissolve. In this type of connection, a person engages with the other in a way that transcends the usual subject-object division. Instead of perceiving the other as an object, the individual enters a reciprocal, deeply authentic connection that breaks down the distinction between self and other. In these moments, the awareness of one's separateness fades, leading to a feeling of unity or wholeness. After the emotional connection fades, self-consciousness may return, bringing back the awareness of separation. Nonetheless, in those moments of deep connection, the division between self and other—and even within the self—may indeed disappear, offering a glimpse of unity and wholeness.
This can be a compelling way to conceptualize love as a state in which consciousness collapses from a divided process into a unified one. In this view, love might not simply be an emotion or feeling, but rather a transformation of consciousness itself, where the usual subject-object duality fades. In moments of love, the self is no longer preoccupied with its own separateness or self-reflection, but instead, consciousness becomes a unified flow that is directed toward the other or the shared experience. This collapse of divided consciousness into a unitary state could occur not only in romantic or interpersonal love but also in other profound experiences, such as spiritual love or love for nature, art, or a greater cause. In these moments, the sense of separation between the "I" and the "other" dissolves, and there’s a feeling of wholeness or unity. In this sense, love could be seen as a state of being where the boundaries that normally divide awareness are softened or erased, and consciousness becomes unified, absorbing the self into something larger. This resonates with ideas from various spiritual and philosophical traditions that describe love as a kind of union or oneness, whether with another person, with the world, or with the divine. In practical terms, when we deeply love someone or something, we may stop thinking in terms of "I" and "you" or "me" and "the world." Instead, there is a kind of fusion of awareness, where the focus is on the shared connection rather than on one's individual self. This can be why love feels so fulfilling, because it transcends the usual divided nature of consciousness and allows us to experience a greater sense of unity and presence. So, in this framework, love can be understood as more than just an emotional attachment; it is a shift in the very structure of consciousness, from a divided to a unitary process. This might explain why love is often considered one of the most profound and fulfilling human experiences: it allows us, even if briefly, to overcome the existential loneliness and division that typically come with being a self-conscious individual.
WHAT IS REQUIRED TO END DISCONNECTION AND CONNECT WITH OTHERS
As mentioned earlier, people spend most of their time in the reflective state of consciousness. This has several significant consequences. It fosters separation and boundaries rather than union. While it keeps you one step removed from hurtful or scary feelings and generally less vulnerable, it also keeps others at arm’s length. While it enables analysis of situations which in turn allows us to learn, it also creates judgment and judgmental attitudes. The capacity for reflection underlies our capacity for individuality, personal responsibility, integrity but also makes it more difficult to experience our common humanity with others. Our purpose here is to explain the source of loneliness; it is not to diminish the importance of reflective consciousness. Pre-reflective and reflective consciousness are complementary processes, just like inhaling and exhaling. You can never choose one as better or more important than the other; both have their own essential functions. Without reflection, we lose most of the abilities that make us uniquely human and without pre-reflection there is precious little experience upon which to reflect. Therefore, as with many things, one must achieve a balance between these two states of consciousness. Too much time in the reflective state results in fatigue and loneliness while too much time in a pre-reflective state results in boredom and agitation.
It is far more likely that people get stuck in the reflective state and get out of balance in that direction than that we get stuck in a pre-reflective state. Therefore, we are disconnected far more than we are connected. That is, in general, people tend to feel lonely, unfulfilled, and like something is missing more than they experience intimacy, fulfillment and a sense of wholeness. Mostly, people simply never stop distracting themselves from themselves, never quiet their minds long enough, as the saying goes, “to stop and smell the roses”, i.e. fully experience themselves and the world without reflection. What does it take to get back to a state of connection?
To experience psychological connection with another person, a few key components are essential. These elements foster a deep sense of connection, mutual understanding, and effortless engagement.
1. Shared Focus and Mutual Presence: Both individuals need to be fully present and engaged in the interaction. This involves paying undivided attention to each other, listening actively, and tuning into each other’s emotions, body language, and words. When both parties are focused on the moment without distractions, it creates a shared sense of flow. Being fully attentive to one another is a key factor in creating psychological connection. More focus on “us”, less focus on “I”.
2. Non-Judgmental Attitude: Being non-judgmental and accepting of differences creates a safe space without the fear of criticism or judgment. If people are afraid they will be judged, they will be afraid to be open and authentic. Being non-judgmental helps people move beyond superficial conversation, into a more flowing, intimate dialogue.
3. Authenticity and Trust: A sense of trust is necessary for psychological connection, as it allows individuals to feel secure in revealing their inner thoughts and emotions. Authenticity helps establish this trust, as each person shows up as their true self rather than putting up a façade. Do not be afraid.
4. Openness: Psychological connection occurs when both individuals are open, honest, and willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability encourages trust and empathy, as both parties reveal their true selves. This can dissolve self-consciousness and foster a sense of "being in sync." Be willing to be first to be vulnerable.
5. Empathy: Empathy allows you to understand and share the feelings of the other person. When individuals are emotionally attuned to one another, they experience a kind of "emotional flow" where they feel understood without the need for explicit communication.
6. Reciprocity and Emotional Balance: The relationship must be reciprocal, meaning both individuals contribute equally to the conversation, emotional support, and connection. Mutual empathy and emotional give-and-take create balance and help both partners feel valued. Connection in relationships requires that there be no power struggles and no “experts”.
7. Commitment to Growth and Exploration: A willingness to grow fosters connection. In this dynamic, both people are committed to learning more about themselves and each other over time, which deepens connection. Exploring new experiences or ideas together can push the relationship into deeper, more meaningful places.
IF IT’S THAT EASY, WHY IS IT SO HARD
“Well, I can be non-judgmental, I’m just not sure about you.”
“If you knew what I really thought, you wouldn’t like me any longer.”
“Let’s be honest with each other. You go first.”
“If we disagree and you are right, then I must be wrong.”
“If I don’t like myself, how can anyone else like me?”
“Other people seem to have it ‘together’ more than I do.”
These and many other statements like them are the sorts of things that people say to themselves that prevent them from connecting to others and prevent others from connecting with them. And all of these are based in one way or another on shame. Shame is what prevents people from authenticity, from trusting others, from being open and vulnerable, from being non-judgmental, and from really listening to themselves and others. Shame is an intense, often visceral emotion that involves a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or failure in the eyes of oneself or others. It’s not just about making a mistake but about feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with who you are. This emotion tends to evoke immediate, often automatic reactions (like withdrawing, hiding, or deflecting) before we even have a chance to become conscious that we feel it and why we feel it. For that reason, most people will not report feeling shame. Shame lurks beneath the surface of consciousness where we hide it from ourselves as well as others. If you want to raise it to the surface for a moment, simply imagine yourself being psychologically revealed and transparent for all the world to see and nothing about you is hidden. (Yipes!) The reality is that most human beings feel some measure of shame. In fact, shame is so common and universal that being called “shameless”(without shame) is not a compliment.
But our focus here is to explain shame’s contribution to loneliness, disconnection and connection. Developmentally, like loneliness, people cannot feel shame until they become capable of reflection. At that point they become able to see themselves and be aware of how others see them. They become exposed to themselves and the world. The toddler can walk naked into a room and be unaware of his own nakedness and the reactions of others to his nakedness. Not so for the seven year old who has become self-aware. But, initially, shame is even more fundamental and inescapable than that. Shame often involves a sudden shift from a pre-reflective, unselfconscious state to a reflective state where one becomes acutely aware of how their actions, characteristics, or circumstances may be perceived by themselves or others. In this sense, shame can be seen as the emotional experience triggered by this abrupt transition into self-awareness. The person may have done nothing that is inappropriate, embarrassing, or socially unacceptable. Merely becoming suddenly aware that a moment ago you were unaware is enough to generate a sense of exposure. And slowly, over time, we come to realize that being involuntarily unaware often can come with judgment. So, shame is closely tied to that sudden reflective moment where the person recognizes the disconnect between their behavior and their standards or how they imagine others view them. Without the capacity for reflection, there is no capacity for shame.
So, why is it so difficult to trust, to be non-judgmental, to be authentic and to do all the things above to connect with others? The answer is that, to a person, we all have something(s) we choose to hide.
SUMMARY
Loneliness is not simply a consequence of not having people with whom to connect. Loneliness is a consequence of being creatures who are capable of reflection. The desire for reflective and pre-reflective experiences in the absence thereof is called loneliness. Like most things about humans, a balance is required between reflective and pre-reflective experience in life is necessary for us to not only thrive but survive.
Connection, in order satisfy the yearnings for time with other people, is made difficult by shame. The shame, itself, is also a natural consequence of being capable of reflection.
In short, by our very nature, most people experience loneliness and shame. While we often feel that these two powerful feelings are unique to us individually, the truth is that we all share these feelings in common. It is the realization that we are all the same in these ways that can bind us together in our common humanity.
