The following presentation on Loneliness was written in response to a comment from an “In The Zone” reader. Due to certain family responsibilities, the article was written piece-meal, a paragraph at a time over the course of two weeks. It is long. You may find it difficult. But I believe that if you read it slowly and digest it’s contents, you will understand yourself and other people in a different way. Please do not hesitate to direct questions or comments you may have to golfnpsych@gmail.com
UNDERSTANDING LONELINESS
We have all read that loneliness has a profound, negative effect on both physical and emotional health. Its impacts are wide ranging and become serious if experienced over prolonged periods. Research has shown that loneliness can be as harmful to physical health as smoking or obesity. And, in fact, some research shows that both smoking and obesity themselves may be grounded in underlying loneliness. As a practicing therapist for 35 years, I can assert that nearly every patient I saw experienced significant levels of loneliness as part of their emotional life. The same is true for marital and other intra-family difficulties.
Most people assume they know what loneliness is, that they know when they are experiencing loneliness, and that they know what the solution to loneliness is. Here is a typical description of loneliness:
“Loneliness is a complex and deeply personal emotion, often characterized by a sense of isolation or disconnection from others. It doesn't always stem from being physically alone but can arise even in marriages and social settings. It can be an emotional state where one craves meaningful connection but feels unable to achieve it, leading to feelings of sadness, emptiness, or longing. Loneliness can be temporary, triggered by a specific event or change, or it can be chronic, affecting one's mental and emotional well-being over time.”
So, there you have it. Now you know what loneliness is. However, it is estimated that 60-70% of people see loneliness as a temporary state that is the result of a lack of connection and the solution is t0 reach out to friends or immerse oneself in some activity. Another 10-20% do not even recognize their feelings of loneliness or misinterpret them (f0r example, loneliness is often experienced as a feeling in the pit of one’s stomach, a yearning that is often confused with hunger.) Most people tend to keep themselves occupied with distractions so they can avoid the quiet time or alone time necessary to recognize their feelings, including loneliness.
Loneliness is not as simple a feeling as most people believe. It is, in fact, quite a complex emotion, grounded in our very nature as human beings. And to resolve feelings of loneliness is not as simple as surrounding oneself with other people, or one special person.
Here are some questions we hope to answer in this article:
1. What is loneliness, really?
2. Is loneliness a temporary or more chronic condition?
3. How or why do are people able to feel lonely even in a crowd or living in a relationship?
4. If connection is the solution to the feeling of being disconnected or lonely, then what exactly is it that is connected or disconnected?
5. What is required to end disconnection and connect with others?
WHAT IS LONELINESS, REALLY?
As far as we can tell, human beings are the only creatures that are not only conscious but also conscious of being conscious. Infants and toddlers exist in a state called pre-reflective consciousness, fully absorbed in the moment with only a rudimentary awareness of themselves. Only gradually, over the course of its first 5-7 years, does the developing child becomes self-aware. Becoming self-aware allows for the awareness of being separate from others and also creates a consciousness of self that is separate from our own pre-reflective direct experience. We become capable of making objects of ourselves as we become increasingly aware of our own behavior, emotions and desires and we become increasingly aware of the reactions people have to us. For all of us, as we emerge into self-awareness, known as the reflective state, there remains a vague felt-memory of that time when we were not separated from others and ourselves. While we may long for a deep connection to ourselves and others, in the reflective state we remain aware of our separation and that no one can fully share our subjective experience.
When one is aware of oneself, there seems to be a division between the self and the awareness of self. The "self" refers to the subject who experiences thoughts, emotions, and sensations, while the "awareness of self" refers to the reflective act of observing or recognizing oneself as the subject. Pre-reflective consciousness is the immediate, lived experience of being a self without stepping back and observing oneself. Pre-reflection is the "I" in the flow of living. Reflective consciousness, on the other hand, is when you step back and become aware of yourself as an object of thought—essentially, the self becomes both the observer and the observed. In reflective self-consciousness, the mind splits itself into two roles:
1. The subject: the "I" who thinks, acts, and feels.
2. The object: the "self" that is being observed, analyzed, or reflected upon.
The capacity for reflection turns oneself and others into objects rather than subjects. It creates a distance within oneself and between oneself and others. When we are with others and they with us, we can be with each other EITHER as subjects or as objects. In the reflective mode, the direct, subjective experience of ourselves and others is prevented, and “connection” cannot be experienced. In short, loneliness is a core (existential) experience linked to the very nature of being a self-aware creature. Most people take these two ways of being in the world for granted, paying attention only to their feelings and failing to recognize the contribution of the state of consciousness to their experience of the world.
IS LONELINESS A TEMPORARY OR CHRONIC CONDITION?
The answer to this question depends upon whether one’s existence in the reflective state is temporary or chronic. Adults are capable of moving between the pre-reflective and reflective states. But the pre-reflective state is more open and experiences are more immediate, so things that hurt or are frightening, hurt or scare us more than when we are in the reflective state. Consider the child who is immersed in activity and unaware of what he is doing. Suddenly, he gets yelled at loudly because, though he doesn’t realize it, he has wandered into the street and a frightened parent is yelling. The yell frightens him more because it was directly experienced in the pre-reflective mode. He immediately steps back from himself and becomes aware of himself as an object in his surroundings. He looks at himself to see what it is that he is doing that has caused others to yell. That sudden transition from not being aware of ourselves to becoming self-aware is associated with the realization that, in the moment before the yell, he was unaware of himself and his surroundings. To avoid that powerfully negative experience, people tend to put themselves behind the protective “wall” of reflective consciousness. And sometimes, people get stuck behind that wall, forgetting how to get back to the pre-reflective state. By always being self-aware, we create a safety zone within that protects our more vulnerable subjective self from fear and pain. But, if we never get out from behind that protective wall, we feel the pain of disconnection we call loneliness.
LONELY IN A CROWD?
Feeling lonely in a crowd or a relationship often stems from a lack of meaningful connection or emotional resonance. In a crowd, even though you're surrounded by others, there may be no personal interaction or shared experience, leading to a sense of isolation. Similarly, in a relationship, if emotional need for connection is not being met (such as feeling understood, truly seen, being met on a subjective level) people can still feel alone despite being physically close to someone. Loneliness in these situations is usually more about the quality of the connections rather than the quantity. It’s possible to feel disconnected when communication is superficial, transactional, or objectified. At a cocktail party, if one does not expect connection, one does not feel the lack there0f that we call loneliness. If on the other hand, one is looking for connection, being more open in hopes if connection, the feeling of loneliness can be acute and painful.
Just as being with people does not necessarily preclude loneliness, being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. Human beings have a need to be in both pre-reflective and reflective modes of consciousness just as they have a need to both inhale and exhale. To do one to the exclusion of the other does not allow the person to thrive. When people are over-stimulated, they often crave some time alone, away from other people. Seeking solitude, craving a place or activity to simply “zone out”, is a natural reaction to social over-stimulation. And “zoning out” means nothing more than moving into the pre-reflective state. Too much pre-reflective time, however, can lead to boredom and the need for reflective time and activity. And so, ideally, one has the capacity and opportunity to move back and forth between reflective and pre-reflective states.
